


"It is sweet and glorious to die for one’s Country."

by DidiNyx



Series: 2018 Lams Fics [1]
Category: American Revolution RPF, Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Hamilton References, Historical References, Hurt/Comfort, I HAVE SO MANY FEELS, Implied/Referenced Homophobia, Inspired By Tumblr, LGBTQ Themes, Lams - Freeform, M/M, Period Typical Attitudes, References to Depression, Suicidal Tendencies, Suicidal Thoughts, again scorpios am i right, as in the lyrics, this isnt the saddest thing ive written
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-11
Updated: 2018-01-11
Packaged: 2019-03-01 00:13:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,887
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13282836
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DidiNyx/pseuds/DidiNyx
Summary: Alexander realizes that perhaps John isn't really completely okay.





	"It is sweet and glorious to die for one’s Country."

**Author's Note:**

> http://john-laurens.tumblr.com/post/131447058463/hello-i-was-told-by-paternalpadfoot-that-you-could This kind of explains things. Especially the ending lines.
> 
> I love and honor this dude with the very essence of my soul, and finally learning about his background in detail, about his struggles of being a soldier, husband, and son... I just have so many feels.
> 
> And I was going to make an actual birthday fic for Alexander but this was the only thing I could manage so take this :^) Also this is actually one of my first fics in which actually takes place in a different time period so... I tried.

Sitting at his desk quietly with nothing but a quill and paper, along with his loathing thoughts, was John, organizing a letter he'd send to his father come sunlight (if he were to finish). After thirty minutes of blankly staring at his paper, he managed to scribble a few sentences half-heartedly explaining his recent situation as Lt. Colonel on Washington's staff. With nothing on his mind but his failures, he gave up, frustrated, and decided to call it a night. 

Except he really couldn't sleep.

After much tossing and turning, John gave up once more, staring at the ceiling, much hoping for some sort of distraction. There must've been hope in the cosmos after all for there came a convenient knock on the door, and John was beyond obliged for answering it.

Unsurprisingly, it was Alexander, a very close friend of his - Maybe even a litte bit more, though he wouldn't admit it aloud to others. He opened the door hastily, revealing the shorter man, ginger hair messily adorning his face though he was quite obviously alert and awake, a playful glint in his eyes and a cheerful smile at his lips. John knew deep down he'd give about anything to wake up next to this man every single day of his life.

Alexander peered over John's shoulder, eyes darting to the desk. "You're busy," he noted questioningly, raising an eyebrow.

John gestured to the paper without taking his eyes off Alex. "Nah, not really. I was trying to write a letter to my father but...ran out of ideas." He tried for a chuckle but ended up wincing, giving away his struggle.

Alex hummed thoughtfully. "You look like you're going to pass out any moment. How long have you been up?"

John shrugged. "Honestly, I've been up since I woke up this morning."

"With no break?" Alex tilted his head in concern, a careful smile on his lips.

John returned a much more firm smile. "With no break," he affirmed. 

Alex took a few steps inside, visibly shivering from the cold as John held the door open for him. "You should probably be going to sleep now."

"And what about you?" John questioned. "Where've you been?"

Now it was Alex's turn to wince. "I admit I've been having similar situations."

"On Washington's behalf."

"That would be correct."

John couldn't take it anymore. He leaned towards Alex has gently pulled him into a hug, resting his head on the other's shoulder, hands in his ginger locks as Alex returned the embrace, squeezing John's hips.

"I've missed you too," came Alex's muffled voice, now softer.

"It feels as if it's been a great while, has it not?" John laughed nervously.

Alex looked up at John, still holding him by the waist. "It has, and I apologize..."

John shook his head. "No need to apologize. You're here now at least." The smile returned to his lips.

Alex grinned. "Indeed I am, here to help with your, ah, _sleeping issues_."

"You'd call it that?" John asked teasingly, pulling at the strands of loose hair from Alex's ponytail. 

"Hmm. Something of that sort. Unless it's simply a problem regarding missing a special someone?"

John sighed. "You have no idea," he muttered, finally pulling away. "I admit I'm tired."

Instead of replying, Alex walked over to the small writing desk and curiously analyzed the few sentences of writing on various sheets of paper. "Lost your interest in writing, I can see."

John joined Alex at the desk and shook his head. "More of lost my will to write. Besides..." He glanced at Alex once more. "It's _much_ more easy writing to you."

Alex smirked. "Of course it'd be. _But_..." He picked up the letter. "This _is_ for your father. When's the last time you've written him?"

The memories of all the arguments between himself and his father regarding various topics - from careers to marriage - flooded John's brain, and all of a sudden he felt much more tired than before. Daring not to be discouraged any further, John answered "It's been...a few months. You know my habit of not replying soon enough."

"Very well I do," said Alex light-heartedly. 

John shrugged once more. "I'm thinking of just not writing him. Perhaps he'll think I'm far too busy in both the war and my 'studies'."

Alex nodded. "I could write it for you."

Dismissing the idea, John made his way to his bed. "You've been busy enough."

"I'm not tired," Alex protested. 

"Yes, but I do not need anyone else informing my own kin of my failures," came the other man's bitter reply. As soon as John said it, he regretted it, immediately biting his tongue so he couldn't dig his hole any deeper. 

"Failures?" Alex looked genuinely confused.

John sighed, letting himself fall on the bed. "Yes, many of them, it seems."

 Alex sat next to John on the bed, close enough to where he could hold his hand if necessary. "I don't understand."

"It...it doesn't matter."

"Failures..." Alex repeated. "Such as what? You are not a failure."

John slung an arm over his face, feeling more embarrassed by the second. "I just..." He paused, considering his words. "You know my differing opinions compared to my father."

"Yes?"

"Well..."

This time Alex held John's hand. "Yes?" he repeated softly.

"Sometimes I feel as if what I do is simply not enough in regards to impressing him... Or in regards to life in general."

There was a lingering moment of silence from Alex, something that can only be described as not common. "You feel as if you're...not enough."

"Affirmative."

"John..."

"What?" John demanded, sitting up abruptly, frustration and anger clear on his face. "Is it not true? I try to think of a meaningful thing to inform my father with - He could possibly be worrying about me, though I do doubt it - and yet the only thing that crosses my mind are the things he'd disagree with, or something I'd rather not tell him, or perhaps anyone!"

Alex look as if he were to protest, but John continued: "Do I tell him about the war he'd rather me not be in? Do I tell him of my plans and hopes he'd rather not hear? Do I tell him of the idolized son I couldn't become?"

This was, John realized, what he'd call _the breaking point_. When everything seems to be spiraling out of control, when nothing seems _right_ anymore. After so long trying to stay safe and please others, John's own life didn't feel like his own, not to mention all the things he _didn't_ do for the sake of others... All the things he cared about that others disgraced, the things he wanted that others wouldn't even imagine or consider... 

There was an ever longer pause.

"I'm sorry," John finally said, voice hoarse. He glanced at Alexander's hand, still holding his. "I do not wish to put my worries on you, I just... There's been a lot on my mind. And trying to write to my father has become almost unbearable. Sometimes..." John blinked away tears. "Sometimes it's hard for me to face the burdens of my life because they're always simply _there_. Maybe I'm...maybe _I'm_ just a burden," he said, voice breaking.

"Do--Have you...always felt this way?" Alex asked gently. 

John couldn't find his voice so simply nodded, and Alex moved closer to him, wrapping an arm around his waist. "How badly does this constant worry haunt you?"

The other man sharply inhaled. "Alex...it gets to the point where I question my very being; my very life."

Alex's heart pounded in his chest, seeing John's meaning. Waves of guilt thrashed violently in his chest, reminding him of the very hurricane he was fortunate enough to escape back in Nevis many years ago. Except that was behind him, and even though he still wondered how he was able to live, this fear of losing John felt very much more real, more sudden. Now it wasn't _his_ life at risk... It was someone's life he cared deeply about, possibly - no, _definitely_ \- more than anyone else's.

Alexander loved John, loved him with the very essence of his soul. He knew their relationship must be a secret, that they had to be careful in fear of having to be separated, something they both couldn't bare to think of. He _refused_ to leave what they had: something special, something wonderful, and despite what the whole world thought, something _pure_ and _stunning_. He remembered days of stolen glances, subtle touches and smiles...Nights of sneaking around, holding each other close, John's bare skin on his own, kisses... He couldn't throw that away. He couldn't have that taken away.

He couldn't let any of their lives be taken away.

Alex tried to calm both John and himself by brushing his thumb across John's cheeks, then moved on to his jawline and lips. He smoothed the other's curly hair and gently kissed his neck. "John, please look at me."

John uncovered his face and, with red, puffy eyes managed to look at Alex, who smiled sadly down at his John. "Do I..." He paused, glancing down to John's lips then back again to his eyes, suddenly breathless. "Do I make you want to live?"

Tears threatened to leave John's eyes. "Alex," John said with a humorless chuckle, "sometimes I wake up in the morning and you're my _only_ reason to live."

Alex kissed John's forehead. 

"And it's sick that sometimes our battles are the only things keeping me satisfied."

Alex frowned.

"Besides you."

Alex kissed John again. "John, I know of your struggles, though I didn't know they were this bad. My dear Jack, thanks for being alive. Thanks for being part of my life, and thank you for everything you do, not only for me but four our Country."

John smiled, holding Alex's hand. Alex continued: "I know it seems like the world is against people like us, but we need to keep fighting. _Never_ lose hope. You are _not_ a failure. You are an inspiration. You are just, courageous, strong, stunning, breathtaking..." Alex paused so he could take in John's bright blush and smile. "You are _my_ reason to live. You're my world, John. Please don't forget that."

John's hand found the back of Alex's neck and he pulled the ginger down to kiss him once more. This time the kiss was longer and more rough, and eventually Alex had to pull away in fear of running out of breath, though he'd gladly drown in John any time. 

"You're just like our Country. You're too young to die."

"Young and beautiful?"

"Very," Alex agreed, caressing John's cheek. "It is sweet and glorious to die for one's Country. But don't die yet. We still have plenty of time together."

None of them mentioned the war, but that was okay. Right now they didn't have to think about it. The only thing they wanted to think about was how great it felt when they were together, how _free_ they felt. For the first time in a long time, John didn't mind being alive, even with the chaos and bloodshed of the war they were still bound to, the society they were bound to. 

They'd be free, eventually. It's only a matter of time.

**Author's Note:**

> After all these months I have returned to Hamilton fics, and it's only January of 2018. Wow.
> 
> I'm not saying I am immediately returning with fics in this fandom, but know that I am much more willing to make Hamilfics since I'm back in the fandom and ready to redeem myself from my "practice" works. I am planning on making more soon so hey it's the thought that counts :") Hoped you enjoyed!
> 
> Shout outs to this amazing Historical Lams series: https://archiveofourown.org/series/733914 You should totally read this if you love this ship, it's really good.
> 
> i would fix the ending but merrp im lazy


End file.
